"If kids knew what they wanted to be at age 8, the world would be filled with cowboys and princesses. I wanted to be a pirate. Thank God nobody took me seriously and scheduled me for eye removal and peg leg surgery."
Bill Maher
I saw this the other day, and it really hit home with me. It makes me wonder why so many parents and society wants to force children to make decisions, and do things that aren't developmentally ready for.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Please stick with me.
I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought.
You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off.
But here's what I want my parents to know..
My brain is not yet fully developed.
It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math test doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through.
Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things. And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life.
Please stick with me.
So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.
You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are.
You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is. At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything.
Please understand that. Right now I choose my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully.
Please stick with me.
Here’s what you can do for me
1. Model adulting.
I see all the behaviours that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination.
2. Let me figure things out for myself.
If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.
3. Tell me about you.
I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.
4. Help me with perspective.
Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.
5. Keep me safe.
Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you.
6. Be kind.
I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behaviour. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humour me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go.
7. Show interest in the things I enjoy.
Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested.
One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride.
and..
Please stick with me.
Love,
Your Teenager
.....
By Helene Wingens
https://twitter.com/TullipR/status/1536422533230206976
https://twitter.com/libsoftiktok/status/1537649468522258432
https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/my-adolescence-was-chemically-delayed-i-was-their-guinea-pig-bbs3w00ph
https://nypost.com/2022/06/18/detransitioned-teens-explain-why-they-regret-changing-genders/
https://ifstudies.org/blog/life-without-father-less-college-less-work-and-more-prison-for-young-men-growing-up-without-their-biological-father
One of the more unintentionally pro life things you'll see.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/06/20/texas-abortion-law-teen-mom/
"Sometimes Brooke imagined her life if she hadn’t gotten pregnant, and if
Texas hadn’t banned abortion just days after she decided that she
wanted one. She would have been in school, rushing from class to her
shift at Texas Roadhouse, eyes on a real estate license that would
finally get her out of Corpus Christi. She pictured an apartment in
Austin and enough money for a trip to Hawaii, where she would swim with
dolphins in water so clear she could see her toes."
I'm confused by this. I'm pretty sure that she could have put her twins up for adoption without putting much of a crimp in her plans at all. I'm even more sure that it's 100% possible for a single mother to get her real estate license, and be incredibly successful selling real estate as a single mother. Hell, I can think of several who I admire immensely for how successful they've been. Strangely enough, I know for a fact that it's possible for a single mother with a real estate license to earn enough to take herself and her kids to HI, FL, and all sorts of places where the water is clear and it's possible to swim with dolphins.
If anything, this sort of attitude seems to sell young women short, and to imply that they can't overcome difficult circumstances and become successful. I really hope we see a follow on this after a couple of years. She sounds like a strong, motivated, young woman with a guy who's willing to sacrifice for her. I hope they make it.
8 comments:
Craig...
"It makes me wonder why so many parents and society wants to force children to make decisions..."
You mean like vacation Bible school and revival altar calls where they try to get children to get saved and get right with God while they're still children?
Outside of that kind of scenario, I'm not aware of parents and society trying to force children to make decisions are not ready to make.
Do you have any real world examples?
I know in the conservative conspiracy theory world, there's a lot of talk about "grooming" and people trying to force children to be gay or transgender. Of course, the reality is that that's just stupid. It's not happening. That's just fear mongering for simple minded people willing to listen to false demonizations of an historically oppressed group.
I love the letter, and think you should post it to FB if you haven't already (after which I will share it). I have but one problem with it. In point 5, the "no anger" bit is nothing a good parent should accommodate. There's a place for it as it impresses one's child the depth of disappointment for a stupid act. This can be incredibly impactful on how kids deal with future options life brings them. Kids raised in a good home HATE disappointing their parents and anger lets them know in no uncertain terms far better than merely saying, "I'm so disappointed in you right now.". Unto all things a time and a season.
Whoever said the brain is not fully developed until 25 is totally full of crap.
It's actually a matter of maturity. We used to teach children to be adults by the time they were 16 but now we keep them as children until they are 26 (when they can no longer be on their parent's health insurance).
"You mean like vacation Bible school and revival altar calls where they try to get children to get saved and get right with God while they're still children?"
No. Because that sort of thing isn't irreversible, it's not likely to cause physical harm to the children, and it's not analogous.
"Do you have any real world examples?"
Other than the ones I've posted links to over the past few months, not any more. I suspect that your failure to address what I've already posted over the past months, means that it's unlikely that any more examples will be engaged with from here on out.
"I know in the conservative conspiracy theory world, there's a lot of talk about "grooming" and people trying to force children to be gay or transgender."
I'm not sure it's really that simplistic, but it'd be pointless to convince you otherwise.
"Of course, the reality is that that's just stupid. It's not happening."
One more claim you can't prove.
Art,
I pulled the letter off of FB or Twitter, it's definitely out there.
Glenn,
I think you're missing the point in your effort to be dogmatic. I've seen multiple sources that support the brain development until 25 statement. Obviously this isn't a hard and fast rule, and I'm sure that many people''s brain's develop before 25. From what I've seen, they're saying that one's brain will develop as much as it's ever going to by 25.
In my case, I'm pointing out the absurdity of thinking that minor children have the brain development to make irreversible medical, legal, contractual, and other decisions when their brains and reasoning are still developing.
Mostly, I see a young woman who seems reasonably mature for her age, asking for adults not to expect more of her than is developmentally appropriate.
Of course I'm not the one who is saying that 2o is to young to by an AR-15, but 18 is plenty old enough to shoot a 120mm smooth bore cannon with a depleted uranium anti-tank round, throw hand grenades, and handle an M249.
Just remember it's the psychobabblers who come up with the idea of brain development not being complete until 25. How arbitrary!
Glenn, I understand your disdain for all things psychological, but I'm not sure this is quite as arbitrary as you think. And even if 25 is the "wrong" age, the point still stands. Parents and society are continually expecting younger and younger children to make permanent, life altering decisions that they are ill equipped to make.
My point isn't the fact that 25 is the 100% accurate age of perfect brain development. If you'd like to keep beating, it's fine, but the horse is already dead.
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